Figuring Things Out

I have had so much on my mind over the past few days worrying about my Alden-boy. This will be a terribly long post, but writing it out is helping me sort through everything. Little man has had a bit of trouble falling asleep the past few days. I posted on Facebook to get solicited advice about ways other people have dealt with too-young babies climbing out of cribs, and I got a lot of feedback. I was overwhelmed by how many different ways there are to do things. Some people subscribe to cry-it-out methods and others are firmly against it. Everyone has such different ways of doing things, and I'm friends with all of these wonderful mothers! The reason for this is of course, that all people are different; family dynamics are different, schedules are different, mothers and fathers are different, and probably most of all, children are different.

What I'm learning especially right now is that children in the same family can be very different. This is the first time it's hit me hard that the ways I had of doing things (discipline, bedtime routines) with Rachel may need to be very different and individual for Alden. Kids simply have different needs and different insecurities, and it's my job as their mother to read them, understand them, and treat them accordingly. I think in the past I've applied too much of what I learned from Rachel to Alden, assuming he would respond the same way. I don't have a clue why I thought I could do this, because I've always known he was so different from her. His babyhood was completely different, his temperament was different, and he had much different challenges than her. He also had a different mother, in a way; I've grown up and changed just as much as Rachel and Alden have.

When Rachel was born I was a bit more clueless and less confident, and luckily God sent me a baby who easily nursed and accepted the "cry-it-out" (sort of) method around 9 months old (I had read no books about it, this was just what worked with her after trying some different things). With her it was very simply done over a period of about three nights, and ever since she's had a pretty consistent and comfortable sleep schedule and routine with hardly any crying. Obviously we've made adjustments as she's aged or had illnesses, and I've become really good at reading her sleep needs. She has also become really good at reading her own needs, and rarely fights me on napping or going to sleep, because she understands how good sleep makes her feel. She was taught from a young age how to fall asleep by herself when the time was appropriate, and I don't regret doing what we did with her. She's a total champ and has been so flexible with us and with Alden through all of his sleep problems. She's always been a flexible person, able to read herself and others and go with the flow. She is perceptive and deeply kind, and I'm so grateful for these wonderful traits in her. I think she came to us with many of those traits, but perhaps some of it was because she had such a grappling, imperfect, young mother trying desperately to figure out how to take care of her. She also got a little brother when she herself was just a baby and lost (in my mind sometimes) a little too much of her babyhood too quickly. She had to be flexible! She also gained a best friend to boss around all the time, much to her liking; and there is no one who loves that boy more than her, so I guess it's a trade off. It always is.

This is what I believe about sleep, in general, for all people. Sleep makes a huge difference in the way we live our lives. I was flabbergasted to get 36 comments, mostly within one hour of my initial post. Even this fact shows how important this issue is to us, especially to parents (who made up a large body of those posting). Whether or not you sleep can literally change who you are; how you feel, how you think, what you think about, and thus what you do and how you act. I think especially for small growing bodies, appropriately timed and quality sleep makes a huge difference in behavior, security, happiness, mental activity, energy, and physical health. I have found that for my kids, their ideal times to fall asleep are 7 for Alden and 8 for Rachel. They will forever wake up at 6 am, but that's okay since they are each getting 11 and 10 hours of sleep each night (exactly the amount they need). They also both take a nap from about 1-3 every day (this is largely why Rachel goes to bed a little later--the nap is still needed and worth it for her).

Even for me, understanding sleep and getting enough sleep makes a drastic difference in my life. During my especially sleep-deprived days and months after Alden was born, I began to get very chronically sick. I would have these strange "flares" where my lower joints would be swell and become extremely painful, especially my knees and hips. My family history is heavy in autoimmune disorders and these symptoms were beginning to look interesting, so I went to my doctor and eventually a rheumatologist. They found actual joint narrowing in both of my 23 year old (at the time) knees, and blood work came back with results looking an awful lot like someone with an autoimmune disease. My symptoms were never bad enough (and they come and go) for me to be willing to take steroids or pain medication other than good ol' prescription dose Ibuprofen, so my specialist and I parted ways to meet again someday if (and maybe when) things get worse. The interesting thing is that these symptoms gradually went away the more sleep I got as Alden got healthier and slept better. Autoimmune disorders (especially flares) are triggered by things like having a baby, a lack of sleep, or incredible stress: three things my life was full of for that year. Two babies under two, very little sleep, even sometimes not sleeping for more than an hour in a row while rocking my ear-infection stricken baby all night, and then caring for my attention starved toddler all day. All that stress and in turn lack of sleep set me up for sickness and depression. Basically, sleep is key, even for me. And if an adult needs it, growing children need more of it.

So for our game plan. Ultimately, the source of Alden's problems is what we feel we must focus on, rather than just focusing on his getting out of bed and simply putting him back in the way we were doing (which was just frustrating for us both). I think he's deeply insecure about the move, and I think being in the hotel has affected both Alden and Rachel a lot more than we before thought. What I realized is that even though our bedtime routine was consistent and no different than it ever has been, our daytime routines (outside of the kids consistent nap) have been all over the place with Dad home, no Joy School, living in a hotel, and not having our regular play dates and errands. Plus the kids keep hearing us talk about this impending "move" that they don't understand. I think it's made them uncertain and unconsciously stressed out (this is hard for me to realize, because I feel like we've done everything we can to help them feel loved and cared for, and there is nothing we can do about living in a hotel or moving). As free-spirited happy as Rachel is even through all of this, there have been more meltdowns than normal, and even a few nights of bed-wetting (something she's never done in her year since potty-training). So for the next several weeks of transition (from the hotel to the new house), we've decided to take it really easy on both of them. Sometimes you have to take a hard line (no hitting or biting), and sometimes you have to give a little, especially when you know they are having a hard time. Rachel still has no problems falling asleep, but we've decided she'll be falling asleep on the couch and moved to her bed in the kid's room later in the evening (thank goodness for her flexibility!). This will keep her sleep time early enough for her and she won't have to wait for Alden to fall asleep in order to get in bed.

As for Alden, after his regular bedtime routine, I will be holding him and singing to him (this is what he's most relaxed by, reading seems to stimulate him) in the dark until he gets sleepy enough to put in his bed. Cry-it-out worked for Alden as a younger baby (around one year old), but that was a time when we had addressed his insecurities and we were in a different place and time. I plan on adjusting the time I spend with Alden as he gets more comfortable with the new place and we get set in a more consistent routine. I can't spend an hour and a half singing to him every night when I have another little girl who needs me too, but I can eventually spend a full half hour singing and helping him relax. I'm realizing he just needs that extra alone time with Mama since he really hardly ever gets that. Basically we just have to start bedtime routines earlier so he can be asleep at the latest by 8 for now, and move that time earlier as he falls asleep faster. If we continue to have problems with him getting out of bed because of freedom, we may have to move him to a toddler bed so he can get back in bed on his own, and make the room his "crib" essentially. At that point we will have addressed his reasons for insecurity and he'll be back to his routines and in his own home.

I think that's enough for tonight! :)